What Hurts Most
by Hisoka
Summary: A small Aoshi-vignette. Depression-warning.


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What Hurts Most

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A Rurouni Kenshin fanfiction by Heli-chan

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Disclaimer: Watsuki-sensei gave me a 'Happy Holiday' –gift and what do you know? He gave me Aoshi and borrowed me Misao for a while. Of course I promised that I would take good care of him and that I couldn't thank him enough. Unfortunately, Watsuki-sensei didn't tell about his gift to me to Sony or Shueisha, so now I'm hiding in my closet with Aoshi guarding it.

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Author's Notes: I'm depressed, unhappy and too full of everything. My head is exploding. So I had to write something. Slightly angsty, Aoshi's POV, vignette, around G or PG. Feedback is appreciated. 

And Aino-kaasan, don't shoot me even though I told you I'd never write A/M fics. This is only Aoshi-fic.

Thanks to 69 Eyes (a band) for saving my head.

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It hurts. The way she looks at me when she thinks I am not noticing. The way her eyes shine with emotion she cannot hide, the way she tries to search an answer from my face. She tries to act like she has excepted my silence, like it didn't bother her that I never answer to her unspoken question. She has no idea how it hurts.

I am looking at her now. She is walking ahead of me, long braid swaying with her moves. She is still the same, even though it has been years since I saw her last time. She has grown taller and her eyes have new determination, but deep inside she is still the same. The same girl I knew before.

No, not the same. Okina told that she had changed, that she had become more serious and thoughtful. I cannot blame her. She became the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu in the age of sixteen. It tends to change person – I should know it from experience. And I know it, too well. I just hope she chooses to become a different kind of leader than I was. On the other hand, she isn't like me. Not at all. So maybe I am worrying for nothing.

She casts a glance at me over her shoulder. She is smiling brightly and her eyes are shining with joy. How can she be so joyful in this world? How can she smile at me even after what I have done? It hurts and I do not know why. Do I wish that she would be angry, that she would shout at me and tell she hates me? Or is there something inside of me that wants other reactions than forgiveness?

I feel like I do not know myself anymore. I knew myself when I was younger, when I became the okashira of the Oniwabanshuu, when I left everything with Hannya, Hyottoko, Shikijo and Beshimi. I knew myself even when I blindly wanted to kill Himura Battousai in order to give the title of the strongest to my dead friends. But now I am shattered in pieces and I do not know myself anymore. There are only pieces of my soul scattered around. I do not think I have a personality anymore. Everything just crashed down and broke when Battousai used his oogi on me. Sure, he showed me the way to go, but that was all. I think he did it on purpose. Leaving me no answers, no other choices but to build myself and my world anew.

She stops suddenly to look at two cranes flying over our heads. She smiles brightly and laughs. She nudges my sleeve and points up to the sky.

"Look, Aoshi-sama! The cranes are coming back!"

She hasn't changed a bit when it comes to enjoying the little miracles of nature. Her voice is full of amazement and delight, as if the two cranes meant something special to her.

"There haven't been any couples for years around here. Not since…" 

Suddenly she stops and her eyes get a slightly hurt look. I can see that she is still hurting. It has been ten years and she still feels hurt. But I cannot bring myself to blame her – after all it was I who decided not to tell her. And that hurts me. The fact that I hurt her then and I hurt her now – even without meaning. But there is too much to gain and too much to loose if I would give in to her. My own fragile soul, still healing and insecure, my feelings that are tangled into a one big knot and she. Everything would be lost.

Everything in her being would shatter if she had to carry the weight of my feelings that are not like hers, if she had to support me all until I have gathered the fragments of my soul. And I cannot let her go through that. Besides, she is too young and – if I have to be honest – I don't think she is ready for love. At least not for the kind of love she is expecting from me. That, too, hurts me.

She doesn't seem to realise what she is asking from with every bit of her being. Her eyes, her face, her voice… everything in her begs me to love her. The worst part, what hurts most is that she doesn't notice what she is doing. She's so innocent that I don't think I am ever able to touch her. Not like a lover would touch her, not like brother would and not like a guardian. As a matter of fact, I do not think I'll ever be able to touch her again. It feels like I would stain her with what I was and am.

Silly, is it not? Here I stand, on the road to the temple, with Misao by my side, watching as two cranes fly towards the mountains. She has forgotten the awkward moment that followed when she suddenly stopped her joyful speech. She has forgotten the hurt I caused when leaving her behind. She has forgotten what I am. And it took only a few seconds. I know it's a good thing that she can put the bad times behind and forgive me, but some how it still manages to hurt me.

It's not that she is indifferent or that she wouldn't care – she has to care – but it's something that is built inside of her. Something neither I cannot comprehend nor except yet. She is too trusting and too forgiving and it hurts me like hell. She shouldn't trust me, she shouldn't forgive me, she shouldn't care for me... about me. She shouldn't love me. 

But I am afraid I am too selfish to tell her otherwise. I need her warmth and love to find and center myself. That too hurts me. That I am using her emotions for my own benefit, although she is willing to help and love, willing to give everything of herself to me. She is actually willing to sacrifice herself for me and my happiness. And she doesn't know that I cannot love her back, not now, probably never. So I am only hurting her more and it hurts me.

However, I do not think I would be able to go on if she didn't love me. It's selfish, I know, but right now it's all that is keeping me from collapsing and killing myself. I'm not lying, for I would definitely throw myself into my sword if she wasn't here. For me. I have become dependant of her and her presence. I do not like it but I am not doing a thing to tell her to leave, to grow up and find herself a man who would love her. In this I am taking the coward's way, just like when I wanted to kill Himura Battousai, but I think I have a reason to do so. 

It would hurt too much to lose her now that she has excepted me back and is once again with me. I cannot love her, but I cannot let her love anyone else, at least for now. I cannot let her go before I am whole. Just like a dying man cannot let go of his last breath of air. Because it would hurt too much to lose her. And that is what hurts me most.

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The Lunatic's Ravings: Okay, the writer (me, that is) is out of her mind, but this my opinion of Aoshi's mental state after the Kyoto Arc. If anyone disagrees, tough. You can write your own versions. Anyhoo, there is lots of repeating, lots of mistakes and other stuff I'm too damn tired to fix. Enjoy this one and feedback is still appreciated.


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